The Babies Scream of Murder

9:43pm: Smokum Peace Pipe
My mom showed me her crazy new age hippy crystal. You ask it a yes or no question and then it'll swing one way for a yes and the other for a no. It's total bullshit, of course, but it's that fun ouija board middle school sleepover kind of bullshit.

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but some of y'all may remember me whining about my smoking-right-outside-my-fucking-window neighbors. Well, they've been better lately. Still smoking but making it so that less of the fumes end up in my room. Methinks they're trying to make peace, because my mom says they've been talking to her when she waters the plants and stuff. Out of nowhere, they brought me a bag of clothes today. The chick apparently works at a thrift store and brings home clothes all the damn time (the dude, who was standing behind her, looking embarrassed, confirmed this), and she wanted to know if I wanted any. I was completely dumbfounded, but I took the bag and looked through it. Most of the clothes were gothy and/or sleeveless (both of which look awful on me), and I don't have the chest for any of them, but I snagged about half of the pile just in case I ever felt like wearing them or using them for spare fabric. I ended up with a white tank top with lace-up shit in the boob area, a lacy black shirt, a black barmaid type shirt, a slip, a black jacket that Kui thinks looks Spanish, and a maroon dress. Damn it, I just can't hate my neighbors anymore.

2:02am: The Nerdiest Entry Ever... Ever!
Ever!

So. Two days ago, I decided I ought to reread those Harry Potters, or at least the first three so I could go see the movie with some idea of what was going on. Today, I bought the Season Three Futurama DVD and had a big marathon until my eyes were spinning around and around, and Kui wanted me to get out of the living room so he could sleep there. So then I went back down to my room and read me some Harry Potter and... Jesus. In my head, selected characters had Futurama voices. Ron sounded like Fry, Hermione sounded like Leela, Dumbledore sounded like Farnsworth, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil sounded like twin Amys (Amy's, Amies. ha.), and Gilderoy Lockhart sounded like Zapp Brannigan. It was, like, cross wire nerd and I couldn't turn it off. I need to get a life. Badly.

In other news, my mom and brother are going to Idaho tomorrow morning and coming back Monday afternoon. I'm not going to do anything cool. Maybe head down to Fremont, maybe dip into my mom's alcohol a little.

Also, I want to salute Degrassi for finally getting around to that coma. I love comas. They rock hard.

3:45pm: My head feels all wonky
School's out for Summer.
School's out forEVER!

Someone was bound to quote that cheesy ass song eventually. Figured it might as well be me.

I think I'll end up showing up on Thursday, because I haven't managed to pick up a damn yearbook yet. But there's no fucking way I'm going to any classes. Graduation's going to be dull, especially after the equally boring rehearsal. Summer's going to suck balls. But I'm free, so I'm happy.

11:14pm: There were dead rats living down there
Three days 'til graduation, and I get hit by truck filled with Elementary School nostalgia. I went down to the Secret Garden book place and bought me three of those Wayside School books. They're obscenely clever for children's books. I had a great afternoon laughing my fat ass off at jokes written for ages 8 to 12. I think I'll reread the Harry Potters next. Then go back to grown up books so I don't show up at college with sugary, soggy shredded wheat for brains. Uh-oh. Futurama's making me feel all sappy again. Looks like the shredded wheat has already taken up residence in my skull.

1:27am: Drama Whoring, Yo Momma's Boring
So, tell me, am I still an insufferable little cunt?

Seriously. I do try to, you know, not be. And I honestly don't know if I come off as a total ass. I assume I do. Do I? This isn't that rhetorical question diary bullshit. This is the question-that-wants-an-answer livejournal bullshit.

I don't get why I'm stirring all this shit up so close to the end of the year--no, of High School in general--when I could just ignore it. I guess that's why, actually. I would love to know, and I figure people would be more likely to be fucking honest when they know they won't have to see me ever again after this next week. Plus, I don't want to look back on High School and wonder whether everyone was stll pissed at my ass by the end of it. (Oh, and this is mostly directed at Hayley, since she's good at dishing out the brutal honesty, but I'd love feedback from anyone.)

So, how 'bout it? Am I still an insufferable little cunt?

10:56pm: It's madness, I tells ya!
"I'm going to ask you a straightforward question, and I'd like to have a straightforward answer."
"Yes, sir."
"Isn't it true that you have, perhaps unwillingly, acquired a certain harmful habit through association with certain undesirable people?"

5:36pm: Whine Tasting
I'm so mad at my mom for not renewing our gym membership. Everything has gone to hell and I blame that.

My immune system has weakened. After a whole school year of not getting sick, I had to miss school two days in a row. One of them was senior skip day, and I didn't even get to enjoy it, since I was too busy lounging around in PJs and hacking up a lung.

I'm mopier. I always have been a mopey little dumbfuck, but the hour a day of exercise (plus another half hour each of walking to and from) had kept it under control. Now there're a lot more random crying fits minus those endorphins I remember learning about from the previews for that godawful Legally Blonde movie. Plus a lot more of that idiotic "I'm fat" related crying.

Food now makes me queasy. All I've eaten today? A hunk of baguette (that long, skinny French bread), a couple nutter butters, milk, juice, and water. FIVE HOURS AGO. And I still feel not only full but ill.

I wouldn't mind that so much if it canceled out this dramatic weight gain. I'm scared to step on a scale. I feel the fat reappearing everywhere. On my cheeks, under my chin, on my neck, on my gut, on my ass, hips, thighs. Everywhere BUT the tits. They actually look smaller from being dwarfed by the rest of me. I still work out at home, but it doesn't work nearly as well. I can get the cardio going pretty well, but my muscle tone is all gone, and even the cardio shit doesn't work half as well as it does with the machines.

I'm like a junkie. I need my fucking sweat-stinking gym heroin.

8:41pm: Stolen from Shaina and Evanne
I'm comment whoring like mad here. Answer these bland questions about me or I'll cry until the emo police come and beat me.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

11:22pm: 3 and a half years down the crapper
Took down my picture wall. I already kind of miss it, but I'm glad it's gone.

8:17pm: GOD!!

1:08am: The Simpsons are Going to Delaware!
I'm back. Hawaii rocked. 'Cept my mom's an annoying bitch, the humidity was evil, and I got the plague all over my legs. But it was a good time. The only thing I didn't really like was the UH itself. So, as extremely dorky as it is, it looks like I'm going to Western. Methinks I'm in for some mockery.

4:22pm: The goodiest of good times
I'm all packed. This time tomorrow, I'll be in Hawaii. Woo!

8:15pm: Ah, to bleed like a child
So, I was jumping on my bed, then I decided to put my feet up by my ass so I could have a little stomach-droppy fall.

I landed on my purse, totally skinning my knee on its handles. Smooth.

10:55pm: Nick Jack Kerouac, Give a Dog a Bone
Lots of little things happened today. I presented my senior project. I'm pretty hit or miss when it comes to presentations, and today was a miss. Oh well.

Then I went home and watched me some Memento, accompanied by my dumbass babble about how Lenny's stolen Jimmy clothes were so damn pimpin' compared to his original, ugly, too-clean-to-be-grunge outfit. I talk to the TV when no one's watching. When people are watching, I talk to the TV and pretend I'm talking to them.

Then I went back to school for LA class, which was okay. Boring poem-y shit, but dramatic recitations are fun if you totally overdo them. Or if you're like me and fuck up and have everyone laugh at you. That was pretty funny.

Then I went home and watched me some Evil Dead. A good chunk of the way through, I switched it to French, which made me realize how little dialogue the end of that movie has.

Then Western called and said I got into their honors program thingamajobby, thus completing my happy hypocrite circle. I guess it's for the best. If I can't get into a first rate school, I'll get into the honors program at a second rate school.

Then Kui and I chased each other with water guns, only mine was all gimpy and his wasn't a water gun at all. It was the spray bottle we use to torture the cat.

Leg cramp! That's what I get for typing after eating.

That was lame. But, seriously, oww! I need to eat more bananas.

5:49pm: Good News, Ladies: Brawny's Gone Gay!
Every time I watch the South Park movie, I realize halfway through that I want to count how many times Stan vomits. Someday, I'll remember before I start watching, and it will be pukerrific.

Also, the spell check here lists "pornographic" as one of the choices for "pukerrific". Upchucky South Park porn.

9:49pm: Super Sunday Night
Super sucks! The worst part of Spring Break.

Yuck, I need to floss.

8:14pm: College Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
My mom took me to Western's "discovery days" thing today. It ends up I like the place and would totally be happy going there. Who knew? Jesus, my mom's an annoying bitch, though. It's very difficult to spend a full day with her. Glad I'll be leaving her behind once it's college time. Not to mention smelly Kui. I mean, I barely saw him today, but it's still worth mentioning.

I also got myself a form to apply for Western's honors program. I guess that proves that all my whining about how socially stunted and mean and neurotic honors kids are (or whatever I said) was actually pretty full of shit. Oh well. I can be a semi-hypocrite if I damn well please. 'Specially since I'm pretty certain I won't get into their (much more selective than UH's) honors program. So, really, none of this matters. Yay! Useless paragraph!

I hope I end up hating the University of Hawaii, because otherwise I'll have to agonize over the choice. Damn choices. Damn agony.

8:42pm: The stupid insecure teenager show (OR... A long entry about a fat ass)
I wrote this whole thing and then livejournal poofed it all away. So, here I go again.

Yesterday, I went through some old photo albums and found some pictures of lardo me. They put me into a weird funk. Today, I decided that I'd better accept them, since the memories of my former super fatass self totally still haunt me, as does the reflection of my current less-fat-but-still-quite-chunky self. I'm going to put photocopies of the worst ones into a notebook (with random annotations) which I shall call "God Hates the Fat Kids (OR... The Oddly Obsessive Notebook that Makes it Look Like I Have an Eating Disorder Even Though I Love Food and Hate Vomit... Plus, You Know, the Fat.)"

The Pictures (in chronological order):
-10 year old me at the zoo with my dad, a huge roll of fat visible through my shirt
-11 year old me from the side in a bathing suit. My gut is sticking out, and a nasty fat crevice thing is visible through a hole in the suit (My girth didn't tear it... It's one of those ugly suits that's cut really weird)
-11 year old me sitting on the couch with my thin cousin, looking like I just swallowed her twin sister
-12 year old me at Halloween. There's a weird pink cloth tied tightly around my waist, displaying how thick said waist is
-two of 13 year old me at Christmas, looking hugest of all (big pants tightly clinging to legs, gut sticking out of big shirt, huge cheeks, double chin)
-three of 13 year old me in the same big, tight clothes (the same in these three. different from the ones in the last two), from different angles (I think showing off an ugly new hair cut): standing with my gut sticking out, from behind with enormous love handles very visible, sitting with roll upon roll of fat also quite visible
-13 year old me from the side with my gut sticking out probably three times further than my (admittedly small) boobs
-13 year old me, again, easily filling giant clothes
-(nearly) 14 year old me in a bathing suit. My face is obviously thinner, but my gut is still pretty massive
-14 year old me (in my mardi gras belt phase). Stupid pride over weight loss has caused me to buy tight pants. I'm bending down (why did someone take a picture of that?). My ass and thighs are stretching the pants to their limit. My shirt is riding up on me, showing off the back fat.

At this point, my mom told me to stop fucking with the photo albums. I'll probably get some more recent shots and maybe some earlier elementary school ones. Don't worry, though. I won't babble about them in here. This is already far, far too long.

4:41pm: College 4: Bride of Chucky
Double fuck.

Didn't get into Wesleyan, but that's fine. I didn't expect to get in, and it was more my mom's choice school than mine.

Also didn't get into UW, which hurts more. I thought I'd be able to get in (I live nearby, my grades and test scores are fine, and most people I've talked to have gotten in), but no. I think it's because I decided to be lazy and have a half schedule this year. So, I'm on their fucking waiting list. For some reason, that feels like more of an insult.

I think that my essay sucked. The only places that let me in haven't read it.

In other news, I saw the Ladykillers. It was funny, except the jokes about irritable bowel syndrome. That was just stupid. And this from someone who laughs at the word "poop."

3:06pm: College 3-D: Game Over
Got into Western. It was kind of a shock, 'cause I don't meet their damn Science requirement (I didn't take Chemistry or Physics). I guess they love me anyway. I probably don't want to go there, but it's nice that I can. Makes me feel a little bit better about yesterday's bad news fest.

I also got into the honors program at the University of Hawaii. I have mixed feelings about that. It sounds cool 'cause the classes are small as hell and, presumably, better at stirring up the brain juice. But, the honors program kids have their own special dorm rooms and lounge, which sounds so socially stunted and elitist and junk. Plus, I'm kind of skeptical about how good this program really is if they let me in without me even applying for it. Also, honors in general tends to come with weird attitude problems and neuroses, and, after six years of that stupid shit, I kind of want to be in only normal classes.

A weird quote from my math teacher (talking to James, I think): "You must be part Jewish, 'cause you like to guilt trip people." It was so out of nowhere and blatantly antisemitic that I totally cracked up. Everyone was all, "Oooh! He called you Jewish!" and some people quoted South Park.

4:28pm: College 2: Electric Boogaloo
"I regret to inform you that the Reed College Admission Committee has decided not to accept your application for fall 2004 admission."

There goes my first choice. Oh, well. Hawaii's a hell of a lot cheaper, anyway.

2:52pm: Mort Rainey? Why didn't they just name him Deathy McMopesalot?
No school today. It'd be over by now anyway, but it's still fucking sweet. I went to the Neptune/Guild 45th and saw the 11:30 showing of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I loved it. It had its flaws, but it reaffirmed my love for the wacko genius of Charlie Kauffman. Jim Carrey didn't suck. He actually did a damn good job as a bumbling, socially inept, dopey guy. Kate Winslet also rocked all over the place. Everyone else was good, too. Well, possibly not Kirsten Dunst. I'm actually not sure if I had problems with her acting or the way her character was written. Like, I understand that she was crucial to the plot, but something about her didn't ring true to me. Anyway, it was rockin'. See it if you like weird movies and aren't sap-phobic. Don't see it if you hated everything about Being John Malkovich or just went through a painful breakup.

5:52pm: Will Smith + Robots = Box Office Gold
"Excuse me, but... proactive and paradigm? Aren't those just buzz words that dumb people use to sound important?"--The Simpsons

That quote kept running through my head in LA class today and then the Canada channel decided to air the episode. Hooray for them. So, I fell off the stop-being-such-an-angry-bitch wagon today. It's all Tom's damn fault. He kept saying "metaphysical." ( Bitch Cake )

So, after school, I saw Secret Window. It was great. Well, okay. It was terrible. But it was great. The definitive so bad it's good. ( Review Pie )

6:47pm: Sowing tears, raping joy
I have a secret message to everyone who has Ms. Jones for LA: Pssst... Hi!

Keep it on the down low.

Also, did anyone write down the prompt for the most recent (3/12) 25-minute-write? If so, could you put it in a comment here? That would be super zombie robocharged.

8:33pm: Happy 9/11's Half Birthday!
Know what rock? Pipes. Not the plumbing kind or the druggy kind. The tobacco kind. My dad used to smoke one when I was a young'n, and it always smelled so good. Some guy was smoking one today, and it had the same vanilla tobacco smell, and it made me happy. Reminded me of being little. I kind of want to start smoking a pipe. How awesome would it be for a chick in her late teens to be a pipe-smoker, like I was some old, British intellectual? Very sexy.